What is a Cuckquean?

At its most basic, a cuckquean is a female-identifying person in a committed relationship whose partner is having sex outside of their committed partnership but with her knowledge. While the term cuckquean is generally used within the terms of a heterosexual relationship (as in, the female-identifying cuckquean is committed to a male-identified partner), there’s nothing to stop this from being part of any relationship style regardless of gender.

There are a lot of reasons that someone may be interested in being a cuckquean within their sexual dynamic.

The most common reason someone becomes a cuckquean is purely due to sexual arousal and an interest in the kink.

Sometimes this arousal comes from humiliation. The cuckquean may feel turned on by being “rejected” by her partner choosing another person. They may feel left out of their partnership, and instead of feeling like a negative experience, those same feelings can trigger feelings of submission.

An interest in cuckqueaning may also come from voyeuristic tendencies. Essentially, the cuckquean gets to watch their partner star in their very own, real-life porn movie and that can be hot for a lot of people.

A big portion of the arousal of cuckqueaning may also come from the “taboo”. In most modern societies, monogamy is taught as the sole and expected relationship style. When feelings of jealousy and inferiority start to pop up, it can add serious spice and intensity to the relationship which, for some, can lead to sexual arousal too! Having others see your partner as the sexual being that you do can be jealousy-inducing but also reignite your passion for your partner as a sexual being as well.

However, being a cuckquean can also be a matter of practicality. For some cuckqueans, they may enter into a consensual dynamic with their partner in order to ensure everyone’s needs are met. While this starts to move more into an “open relationship” relationship style, the cuckquean may encourage an outside sexual partner to ensure her partner’s needs are met when those needs aren’t getting met in the relationship.

While “cuckquean” can be used as an empowering term, just like the term “cuckold”, some people outside the relationship may use the term in a derogatory or insulting manner because they disapprove of the cuckquean or the alternative relationship arrangement.

Cuckquean vs Cuckold What’s the Difference?

Gender! That’s it!

A cuckquean is someone who enjoys the “cuckolding” kink but identifies as female. (When a cuckquean is involved, some people may call it a “cuckqueaning” kink as opposed to a cuckolding kink.)

On the other hand, a cuckold is someone who enjoys the “cuckolding” kink but identifies as male.

On both sides, the cuckquean or cuckold is the one who is watching their partner have sex with someone else regardless of that partner’s gender. Cuckolding and cuckqueaning can happen in all types of relationships including homosexual, gender-neutral, and heterosexual partnerships!

If you’re looking for the most information possible, the term “cuckold” has been around for longer so I’d recommend using it as the primary term for your searches.

Does Cuckqueaning Fit Into Erotic Humiliation?

While the term “erotic humiliation” may conjure up the mental image of a femdom relationship for many, erotic humiliation doesn’t have a gender. In fact, people of all genders enjoy erotic humiliation, and the desire for erotic humiliation can be at the centre of cuckqueaning play.

There are a lot of intense, interpersonal dynamics at play in a cuckqueaning relationship, and part of these dynamics may be a “lesser than” sensation because the cuckquean’s partner is choosing to have sex with someone else instead of them. This is ripe for a whole lot of humiliation though it doesn’t need to be!

Essentially, like most kinks out there, cuckqueaning can fit neatly into erotic humiliation or it can be entirely absent from it. It’s all up to the participants!

How to Become a Cuckquean

Especially if you’re reading a definition on what cuckqueaning is, you’re probably not ready to jump right into the world of cuckqueaning but that’s not a bad thing! Bringing a third person into your relationship comes with a bucket load of new challenges including jealousy, communication issues, STI issues, scheduling issues, and more. Needless to say, as fun as the kink may be, there are usually hours and hours of prep that goes into scheduling sex with multiple people and the communication time requirements aren’t light either!

Even if you’re a beginner, though, that doesn’t mean you can’t explore the ideas of cuckqueaning especially if you think you’ve finally found a kink that really appeals to you.

Some easy ways to explore cuckqueaning without bringing a third person into your relationship:

Use Sex Toys: Simply use sex toys to replicate the body of an external partner then mix in some dirty talk to bring it all to life! A vaginal/oral penis stroker (like a Fleshlight) can easily replicate the genitals of your partner’s “lover” or you can go deeper into it with a sex doll for cuckqueaning instead. You might consider using extra sex toy accessories (like hands-free sex toy mounts) in order to improve your Fleshlight experience and make things feel more realistic for both of you as well.

Discuss Past Partners: Instead of bringing a new person into the mix, consider discussing past experiences with partners instead. This can still provide the cuckquean with a feeling of “looking in” on the action with their partner without having another person in the mix.

Talk about Fantasies: Most people have a relatively active imagination. This means that you can (quite easily!) discuss cuckqueaning scenarios and use them as dirty talk during sex. Try out these shared, dirty talk fantasies before bringing an actual person into the mix. You might be surprised at some of the positive (and negative!) feelings even sharing a fantasy can bring up!

The Paradox of Polyamory

Nearly everybody I know who has experienced real problems in the polyamorous lifestyle (I’m including myself in this) has had the cornerstone of their issues be the Paradox of Polyamory, a cyclical problem that is incredibly difficult to work around. Those who manage to work around it are very successful at poly. Those who manage to avoid it entirely are gods amongst the rest of us and should be treated as such.

Adam & Beth & Connie

Because I really don’t like using overly simplistic examples for my essays like A&B&C, I’m going to make it only vaguely less simplistic by introducing Adam & Beth & Connie.

Adam and Beth are a happy couple exploring polyamory. Who wouldn’t be, after all? They’ve done some experimenting, had some dates, had the high highs of open relationships, and, aside from some bumps early on, it’s been pretty smooth sailing.

Doesn’t that sound nice? Don’t you want to know their  OkCupid  profile names?

Then Connie comes along.

Cue ominous music.

But Connie’s not ominous in the least. She’s an incredibly understanding and open person. When she meets Adam, they hit it off immediately.

Again, let’s sidestep that ominous cliché by telling you that Adam, Beth, and Connie get along just fine, but the connection is between Adam and Connie. So here’s where the ball starts rolling, doesn’t it? There’s that little flaw. There’s some unexpected jealousy.

Strengthening the Compersion Muscle

Maybe you just have never seen your partner so happy with someone else before. “You,” meaning Beth. Beth has never seen Adam so happy with someone other than herself before. She’s seeing a mirror of the beginning of their relationship, back when it was all carefree and stolen kisses.

The compersion muscle kicks in, but the fact that we, in life, have very little reason to use this muscle regularly has left it… not great. Beth is happy for Adam and Connie, legitimately so, and she encourages the relationship. She really does mean it when she says that she just wants him to be happy.

The weak compersion muscle allows stray moments of jealousy to get through here and there. What if he’d rather spend time with her? We’ve been arguing about bills so much; lately, he doesn’t have to worry about that with her!

All of us, even those who’ve managed to achieve non-monogamy nirvana (non-mono-vana?) have experienced this feeling. I will call you a liar to your face if you tell me you haven’t.

To. Your. Face.

And there’s the turning point, after all, when it all goes pear-shaped. The wheel in the sky has begun to turn, and many of us are helpless to do anything but watch it spin.

Escapism in Secondary Relationships

The pangs of jealousy that are coming through begin seep into Adam and Beth’s day-to-day life. Conversations become a bit more unhinged. The stress has descended. That already overworked compersion muscle collapses from fatigue more and more often. Strain can cause even the happiest of relationships to slide into chaos.

While this is happening, though, Adam is experiencing a respite when he’s with Connie. There’s no stress; there’re no bills to pay. He’s still experiencing the glory of New Relationship Energy as he navigates through this relationship.

These secondary relationships can be a sort of “vacation home” to escape to, a place devoid of the problems of their day-to-day life. This vacation home can reinforce a sort of delusion that, in this place, there are no problems.

A Desperate Spiral

Adam and Beth argue more frequently as the heat gets turned up on the relationship. Beth zeroes in on Connie as the cause of the trouble as, after all, it hadn’t been there before. With Connie to blame, the twisted logic goes to “cut out the cancer, save the host,” which is a very dark way of looking at it indeed. I chose those words carefully, because of how deeply this cycle can shove you down the rabbit hole. You’re desperate to save your relationship, and you can’t understand why it has gone askew.

Adam isn’t willing to cut the one sunshiney part out of his life, so he refuses to break up with her. He resents the request, assuming that Beth didn’t want his happiness after all. The relationship with Connie looks absurdly simple in comparison to the growing resentment and anger that lives at home. He starts to, in his weaker moments, wonder if he wouldn’t be happier breaking up with Beth and being with Connie full time.

Who hasn’t seen this spiral in themselves or in their circle of poly friends?

The Conundrum

The paradox for Adam is that he has changed since pre-Connie. We aren’t static, after all. To go back would mean to change back, and he’s likely to have changed for the better in a number of ways. Also, to break up with Connie would dramatically hurt the very real person he was dating all this time. To break up with Beth instead would be an admission of defeat, when the relationship is just strained now. There is no good solution to the problem, just different levels of shit.

The paradox for Connie is that she’s getting fed a filtered version of what’s going on, so she can either believe everything Adam (who is processing through hurt) is feeling, or she can look objectively and risk hurting everyone. To leave would be the humane way to “save the host” but would also hurt both her and Adam. There is no good solution to this problem.

The paradox for Beth is the worst because it is the one that ramps up quickest. By not being the “supportive partner” in the poly relationship, she is directly contributing to the resentment Adam is feeling for her not being the “supportive partner.” She wants nothing more than for her compersion muscle to be strong, to endure this, to get back to the way things were. Asking Adam to leave Connie only reinforces her outsider status.

Being in this serious relationship means, perhaps, that their finances or living spaces are entwined to the point that she can’t eliminate some potential major sources of stress on account of being a human couple that exists in the world. Completely full-throttling her support for Adam and Connie’s relationship would mean driving down deep some of her most basic lizard brain reactions, potentially causing greater resentment if Adam doesn’t seem to sufficiently recognize her sacrifice.

Once the wheel starts spinning, the reactions get less and less logical. It’s like the carnival ride where you are stuck to the walls of the spinning wheel. You can move and lift your arms at the beginning, but the longer you are there, the more difficult it becomes to execute any type of change without the potential for great pain. So, it’s not a  perfect  metaphor. This is as dark as it gets for poly. Because the network of humans we bring into our lives add complexity, and complexity makes change more and more difficult.

Recognize the Symptoms to Build Better Connections

“So, Coop, man, why’d…uh…why’d you have to go and bum us all out with this?”

Because you should be aware? I dunno. Because if you recognize these symptoms, you can try to counteract them. Because Adam could’ve tried not talking constantly about his new relationship. Because Beth could’ve relaxed a little and recognized how goofy new lovers make us feel. Because Connie, well, I didn’t really flesh out her side of the story, so let’s assume she was, in general, doing the best she could to make everybody happy without intruding into Beth’s life too much.

Because the real paradox of polyamory is that it offers these connections. The reason we connect to all these people is because of the vast richness that each new person can bring to our lives, filling spaces that weren’t filled before and helping to build the safety net beneath us, and the network of helping hands above us. That is the promise of poly, and what it can bring us. The paradox is what it can do to us, amplifying emotion when broadcast through the network.

It reminds us of the old adage that we all hate so very much: “If you love something, set it free.” Freedom breeds gratitude, which breeds happiness, which tones that compersion muscle that we all usually allow to atrophy. And then we may not be so frightened all the time.

Let your partners be free to explore, and be gentle to them as well.

Finally, Our First Time!

My wife (Jill) and I (Jack) had been discussing the Lifestyle for several years. We narrowed down our opportunity to a trip to Sint Marteen. We stayed on the topless side of the beach. We discussed different methods to get our fantasy started. We even brought a top-up tent through customs in case there was an opportunity. While at the beach, I would often tell Jill to sit up with her tits sticking out when potential victims would stroll past us. We even visited the nude beach several times, but we found that most of the people we saw there were not people we would like to see without clothes. We visited several local hangouts in hopes that we would discover a potential victim for Jill. We did not have a rule book or a how-to book, thus leading to many unsuccessful attempts. Finally, after our fifth day on a seven-day vacation, I decided to turn up my boldness several notches. We visited the local beach bar close to our villa. FINALLY a possible victim.

The French Bartender

We found a single bartender who was French, about ten years younger than us, who was very attractive. We tried all of the usual forms of flirting without any success. Then I became a little desperate, thinking that our vacation would soon be over, and we had not had any Lifestyle experiences. I made my move around 10 pm. 

As I approached the bartender, I explained that I was a little nervous and unsure of what to say, and as I stumbled around in my conversation, I was able to finally look him in the eye and ask if he would be interested in playing with my wife as I pointed Jill out. The bartender seemed a little taken back, and he responded by saying he had never ventured into any playtime with a couple, and I explained that the contact would be between him and Jill, and I would be there to watch and make sure she was safe. I assured him that I was not a director, and I assumed that he and Jill would know where all the parts fit together. The bartender told me he wanted to think about the offer, and before I could return to our table, he came up and told me he was interested. YEA! We finally had something to fantasize about. 

Jill and I talked as the excitement level rose. After approximately 15 minutes, I went up to assist the bartender with completing his duties in closing the bar. The three of us then walked a short distance to our single unit, which had a private pool. After a few minutes of small talk, Jill excused herself and returned moments later, wrapped in a towel. As she neared the pool, she dropped the towel, and we saw that she was naked. Jill looked at our new friend and invited him to join her in the pool, and he hurriedly responded. 

They got into the pool, and I sat on the edge of the pool as nature took its course. After a short time, it was obvious that the bartender was displaying a hard-on. As they walked into our villa and approached the bed, I became concerned as to what my role was to be. Should I sit or stand? Get close or move away? Should I hold the drinks, or keep up with the towels? I was nervous beyond belief, and Jill was having a great time. They moved to oral sex with each other, and Jill looked at me and shrugged as if to say, “what do I do next?” I smiled and mouthed, “have fun.”

As the sex progressed, our friend put Jill in several different positions as he penetrated her. It was obvious from the sounds Jill was making that she had passed being nervous and was in heaven as the sex continued. After a long lovemaking session, our initial experience was coming to a close. After our friend left, we nearly killed each other. We had been married for ten years, and the sex that night was the best we had ever experienced together. 

That was our only experience of this vacation. But, during the past eleven years since that vacation, we have experienced many, many combinations of sexual experiences. First, with couples, but as we quickly learned, having four adults on the same page was rare. So, we continued our adventures with an extra male, which has always been our favourite setting. We have one night in Sint Marteen to thank for the next eleven years of the greatest sex we ever experienced, and we see no signs of the adventure becoming stale. We thank all of the people that have contributed to this experience and look forward to meeting additional people to add to the story.

Our First Swapping Encounter

It started on a Tuesday. Our sex life had been on point lately, and we kept taking it to the next level. Watching porn together. A blow job on a golf course. Live chats online. So that Tuesday, we were texting about what was next. What could we possibly do next to take our sex life to the next level? What could we do to bring our relationship to the next level? It was taboo. It was a secret. It was a crazy idea. But we did it. We joined a swinging site that Tuesday.

The Couple That Caught Our Eye

The messaging started immediately. It was hot. Pictures were coming in left and right. Sexy pics were everywhere. And man, were we turned on! The conversations between my husband and myself were incredible. Never in my wildest imagination did I think I would be looking at profiles with my spouse discussing who we would like to watch the other have sex with. 

Over the next few days, we continued to chat with many people. While there were many couples we were interested in, one specific couple caught our eye. They seemed pretty interested as well, and we started making plans to meet up. My husband and I ended up being in their town for work events, so we already had a hotel booked. How convenient, right? 

They told us they did not play on a first date. I think that is a great rule and we respect it. But we were ready to have our first experience. We have learned that communication is huge in this world, so we were upfront. We did not want to just meet up and have dinner. We wanted to have dinner, and I wanted to have his dick in me. I wanted my husband to be inside her. Well, they did, too.

The Dinner Date

I met my husband at the hotel that Wednesday. We both showered, shaved, and cleaned up. I wore a silky black tank top with no bra on. It was low cut, and my nipples were barely visible through the thin fabric. We drove to the restaurant to meet this couple in silence. I think we did some small talk, but not much. Was I nervous? I think maybe a little, but not as nervous as I thought I would be. 

We walked in and saw them immediately. We hugged and introduced ourselves awkwardly. He was wearing a button-up shirt, and she was in a sundress. Both of them were even better looking in person. I looked at him and thought, “This man is going to fuck me tonight. And my husband will be sucking those big tits later.” We ordered drinks and food, and we really started to jive. They talked to us about this lifestyle. It was a very upfront and raw conversation. We finished our meals, and it got to the end. The conversation started to go awkwardly quiet. He said, “Now, the awkward part of the night — do you guys want to do this? Do you want to go back to the hotel?” Without hesitation, my husband and I both said, “Yes.”

Now We Were REALLY Hungry

They followed us to our tiny hotel room. We discussed our boundaries and rules, and I told the man to take the lead. And did he ever take the lead! He grabbed my waist and pulled me toward him, his mouth hungrily on mine. He sat on the bed, and I stood in front of him. She walked over to my husband, who was sitting on the other side of the bed. She started kissing him softly. He took control of me and laid me forcefully down on the bed. He was on top of me, grinding and kissing me. He pulled my shirt up and rubbed and sucked my tits. I could feel his massive erection under his pants. I looked over and saw that she was in nothing but her underwear, and my husband was doing the same thing to her. Good. 

He slid my shirt over my head and my pants off, leaving my panties on. He moved them over and slid his fingers in me. I was wet, so his fingers slid in and out very easily. I was a bit lost in the moment, but I do believe my husband was now fingering her. He took the rest of his clothes off, and we were hot and heavy. 

I grabbed his cock and stroked it. He went down on me while she was sucking my husband’s dick. I got up so I could do the same to her husband. I sucked his dick hard. He grabbed me again. Forcefully, yet gentle. He kept asking if I was okay with a grin on his face. I told him that I was, and he started kissing me again. My panties fell off. I was now on top of him, sliding his dick right inside of me. He was not penetrating me yet; I was just slowly riding him. I put my hand behind my back and jacked him off as he was sliding in and out of the outside of my pussy. My husband was in the same position as him. He was on his back, and she was now on top of him. I reached over with my other hand and jacked him off as he was grinding on her. I rose up so I could take all of his cock in, and I slowly started fucking him. I used my hand to guide my husband’s cock inside of her.

So, at this point, we were all fucking. Kissing. Hungry. He grabbed my nipples. Sucked them. We were both riding our men. Okay, not our men, but each other’s men. She and I started rubbing each other’s tits, and then we were full-blown making out. This was a first for me. We were kissing hard. Passionately. My husband and I were feeling up the same chick. My husband was feeling up two women at a time. Hands were everywhere. She started to suck my tits. I was really hoping this was making my husband even harder. 

Now, there were hands and tongues everywhere as we were riding the men hard. She put her attention back on my husband, and I focused back on my guy. I was riding hard. So was she. My husband came all inside of her. I started to ride him in a way I know gets me off. I came. In one swift movement, he picked me up and flipped me over so he was now on top of me. He asked where he could cum and started fucking me hard. Hard. My fingers were digging into his back as he fucked me harder and harder. I looked over, and she was still slowly riding my husband. My husband was watching as he came inside of me. Undeniably. She looked over with a smile on her face and watched him slide out of me and back in one more time. I put my hand on my husband. I love the shit out of that man. 

We cleaned up, and they left. I couldn’t stop giggling. We both agreed — it was great! With us both being turned on, the night ended with another dick inside of me — my husband’s. How could fucking other people make us so much closer?! Love it. So, one week and one day after deciding to try this lifestyle, I think we have found a new hobby.