The Paradox of Polyamory

Nearly everybody I know who has experienced real problems in the polyamorous lifestyle (I’m including myself in this) has had the cornerstone of their issues be the Paradox of Polyamory, a cyclical problem that is incredibly difficult to work around. Those who manage to work around it are very successful at poly. Those who manage to avoid it entirely are gods amongst the rest of us and should be treated as such.

Adam & Beth & Connie

Because I really don’t like using overly simplistic examples for my essays like A&B&C, I’m going to make it only vaguely less simplistic by introducing Adam & Beth & Connie.

Adam and Beth are a happy couple exploring polyamory. Who wouldn’t be, after all? They’ve done some experimenting, had some dates, had the high highs of open relationships, and, aside from some bumps early on, it’s been pretty smooth sailing.

Doesn’t that sound nice? Don’t you want to know their  OkCupid  profile names?

Then Connie comes along.

Cue ominous music.

But Connie’s not ominous in the least. She’s an incredibly understanding and open person. When she meets Adam, they hit it off immediately.

Again, let’s sidestep that ominous cliché by telling you that Adam, Beth, and Connie get along just fine, but the connection is between Adam and Connie. So here’s where the ball starts rolling, doesn’t it? There’s that little flaw. There’s some unexpected jealousy.

Strengthening the Compersion Muscle

Maybe you just have never seen your partner so happy with someone else before. “You,” meaning Beth. Beth has never seen Adam so happy with someone other than herself before. She’s seeing a mirror of the beginning of their relationship, back when it was all carefree and stolen kisses.

The compersion muscle kicks in, but the fact that we, in life, have very little reason to use this muscle regularly has left it… not great. Beth is happy for Adam and Connie, legitimately so, and she encourages the relationship. She really does mean it when she says that she just wants him to be happy.

The weak compersion muscle allows stray moments of jealousy to get through here and there. What if he’d rather spend time with her? We’ve been arguing about bills so much; lately, he doesn’t have to worry about that with her!

All of us, even those who’ve managed to achieve non-monogamy nirvana (non-mono-vana?) have experienced this feeling. I will call you a liar to your face if you tell me you haven’t.

To. Your. Face.

And there’s the turning point, after all, when it all goes pear-shaped. The wheel in the sky has begun to turn, and many of us are helpless to do anything but watch it spin.

Escapism in Secondary Relationships

The pangs of jealousy that are coming through begin seep into Adam and Beth’s day-to-day life. Conversations become a bit more unhinged. The stress has descended. That already overworked compersion muscle collapses from fatigue more and more often. Strain can cause even the happiest of relationships to slide into chaos.

While this is happening, though, Adam is experiencing a respite when he’s with Connie. There’s no stress; there’re no bills to pay. He’s still experiencing the glory of New Relationship Energy as he navigates through this relationship.

These secondary relationships can be a sort of “vacation home” to escape to, a place devoid of the problems of their day-to-day life. This vacation home can reinforce a sort of delusion that, in this place, there are no problems.

A Desperate Spiral

Adam and Beth argue more frequently as the heat gets turned up on the relationship. Beth zeroes in on Connie as the cause of the trouble as, after all, it hadn’t been there before. With Connie to blame, the twisted logic goes to “cut out the cancer, save the host,” which is a very dark way of looking at it indeed. I chose those words carefully, because of how deeply this cycle can shove you down the rabbit hole. You’re desperate to save your relationship, and you can’t understand why it has gone askew.

Adam isn’t willing to cut the one sunshiney part out of his life, so he refuses to break up with her. He resents the request, assuming that Beth didn’t want his happiness after all. The relationship with Connie looks absurdly simple in comparison to the growing resentment and anger that lives at home. He starts to, in his weaker moments, wonder if he wouldn’t be happier breaking up with Beth and being with Connie full time.

Who hasn’t seen this spiral in themselves or in their circle of poly friends?

The Conundrum

The paradox for Adam is that he has changed since pre-Connie. We aren’t static, after all. To go back would mean to change back, and he’s likely to have changed for the better in a number of ways. Also, to break up with Connie would dramatically hurt the very real person he was dating all this time. To break up with Beth instead would be an admission of defeat, when the relationship is just strained now. There is no good solution to the problem, just different levels of shit.

The paradox for Connie is that she’s getting fed a filtered version of what’s going on, so she can either believe everything Adam (who is processing through hurt) is feeling, or she can look objectively and risk hurting everyone. To leave would be the humane way to “save the host” but would also hurt both her and Adam. There is no good solution to this problem.

The paradox for Beth is the worst because it is the one that ramps up quickest. By not being the “supportive partner” in the poly relationship, she is directly contributing to the resentment Adam is feeling for her not being the “supportive partner.” She wants nothing more than for her compersion muscle to be strong, to endure this, to get back to the way things were. Asking Adam to leave Connie only reinforces her outsider status.

Being in this serious relationship means, perhaps, that their finances or living spaces are entwined to the point that she can’t eliminate some potential major sources of stress on account of being a human couple that exists in the world. Completely full-throttling her support for Adam and Connie’s relationship would mean driving down deep some of her most basic lizard brain reactions, potentially causing greater resentment if Adam doesn’t seem to sufficiently recognize her sacrifice.

Once the wheel starts spinning, the reactions get less and less logical. It’s like the carnival ride where you are stuck to the walls of the spinning wheel. You can move and lift your arms at the beginning, but the longer you are there, the more difficult it becomes to execute any type of change without the potential for great pain. So, it’s not a  perfect  metaphor. This is as dark as it gets for poly. Because the network of humans we bring into our lives add complexity, and complexity makes change more and more difficult.

Recognize the Symptoms to Build Better Connections

“So, Coop, man, why’d…uh…why’d you have to go and bum us all out with this?”

Because you should be aware? I dunno. Because if you recognize these symptoms, you can try to counteract them. Because Adam could’ve tried not talking constantly about his new relationship. Because Beth could’ve relaxed a little and recognized how goofy new lovers make us feel. Because Connie, well, I didn’t really flesh out her side of the story, so let’s assume she was, in general, doing the best she could to make everybody happy without intruding into Beth’s life too much.

Because the real paradox of polyamory is that it offers these connections. The reason we connect to all these people is because of the vast richness that each new person can bring to our lives, filling spaces that weren’t filled before and helping to build the safety net beneath us, and the network of helping hands above us. That is the promise of poly, and what it can bring us. The paradox is what it can do to us, amplifying emotion when broadcast through the network.

It reminds us of the old adage that we all hate so very much: “If you love something, set it free.” Freedom breeds gratitude, which breeds happiness, which tones that compersion muscle that we all usually allow to atrophy. And then we may not be so frightened all the time.

Let your partners be free to explore, and be gentle to them as well.

Spoiled Wife, Free Wife

Hotwifing was our first consensually non-monogamous sexual experience was when we started in the swinger lifestyle. I can say that I was one of the first men to allow my wife to meet alone with a gentleman, obviously chosen first by her and approved in-person by both of them. Those years in Cancun, it was very discreet to go out with swinger couples; no one was completely open to exploring. They were our days on Messenger, where we wrote, but no couples agreed to send a photo. When I decided that it was her moment, she started looking through Facebook, Messenger, and local swinger sites with a liberal passion, but she did not find the ideal character. In my spare time, I kept exploring the internet until I came across a page about which certain good-level couples spoke so much — SDC. I looked for our bull, but even with so many test profiles, nothing worked. She then found a single man from Playa del Carmen. It was then that I gave her the freedom to meet him on Messenger, talk, and see how far we could go with it.

Meeting Our Bull in Cancun

My excitement was so great that I myself proposed to my wife to meet him in a bar in Cancun and see what could be done. Of course, she agreed. The hours passed and between beer and drinks, I was more anxious to see her in the arms of another. The talk was pleasant and the beers were half-sipped. I know she was nervous, but I knew what she was proposing to me when the guest left for the bathroom. “Take the opportunity,” I tell her. “It’s time. Let’s go to a hotel. I can leave you with him, and I will be on the corner. I’ll just wait for your call to know that you are okay.” It was two hours of nervous excitement. She was in a hotel with another man while I waited in the car a block away. 

When he finally called me, they were about to go down to the lobby. I accelerated and parked at the entrance of the hotel, and they left. She was talking and smiling, and it gave me peace, knowing that she is well and in good hands. In the end, they said goodbye, and he kindly said goodbye to me. Once we were settled in the car, I asked her to tell me how it was, what they did, how he felt, and what it was like. They were the details I was waiting for when we got home and made love — hard and with desire.

Those experiences were unique — a wife with total freedom, love, and complicity; however, I could not call it cuckold or stag. It is still one of my best experiences in the lifestyle, and how I continue today, putting it to the test.

Finally, Our First Time!

My wife (Jill) and I (Jack) had been discussing the Lifestyle for several years. We narrowed down our opportunity to a trip to Sint Marteen. We stayed on the topless side of the beach. We discussed different methods to get our fantasy started. We even brought a top-up tent through customs in case there was an opportunity. While at the beach, I would often tell Jill to sit up with her tits sticking out when potential victims would stroll past us. We even visited the nude beach several times, but we found that most of the people we saw there were not people we would like to see without clothes. We visited several local hangouts in hopes that we would discover a potential victim for Jill. We did not have a rule book or a how-to book, thus leading to many unsuccessful attempts. Finally, after our fifth day on a seven-day vacation, I decided to turn up my boldness several notches. We visited the local beach bar close to our villa. FINALLY a possible victim.

The French Bartender

We found a single bartender who was French, about ten years younger than us, who was very attractive. We tried all of the usual forms of flirting without any success. Then I became a little desperate, thinking that our vacation would soon be over, and we had not had any Lifestyle experiences. I made my move around 10 pm. 

As I approached the bartender, I explained that I was a little nervous and unsure of what to say, and as I stumbled around in my conversation, I was able to finally look him in the eye and ask if he would be interested in playing with my wife as I pointed Jill out. The bartender seemed a little taken back, and he responded by saying he had never ventured into any playtime with a couple, and I explained that the contact would be between him and Jill, and I would be there to watch and make sure she was safe. I assured him that I was not a director, and I assumed that he and Jill would know where all the parts fit together. The bartender told me he wanted to think about the offer, and before I could return to our table, he came up and told me he was interested. YEA! We finally had something to fantasize about. 

Jill and I talked as the excitement level rose. After approximately 15 minutes, I went up to assist the bartender with completing his duties in closing the bar. The three of us then walked a short distance to our single unit, which had a private pool. After a few minutes of small talk, Jill excused herself and returned moments later, wrapped in a towel. As she neared the pool, she dropped the towel, and we saw that she was naked. Jill looked at our new friend and invited him to join her in the pool, and he hurriedly responded. 

They got into the pool, and I sat on the edge of the pool as nature took its course. After a short time, it was obvious that the bartender was displaying a hard-on. As they walked into our villa and approached the bed, I became concerned as to what my role was to be. Should I sit or stand? Get close or move away? Should I hold the drinks, or keep up with the towels? I was nervous beyond belief, and Jill was having a great time. They moved to oral sex with each other, and Jill looked at me and shrugged as if to say, “what do I do next?” I smiled and mouthed, “have fun.”

As the sex progressed, our friend put Jill in several different positions as he penetrated her. It was obvious from the sounds Jill was making that she had passed being nervous and was in heaven as the sex continued. After a long lovemaking session, our initial experience was coming to a close. After our friend left, we nearly killed each other. We had been married for ten years, and the sex that night was the best we had ever experienced together. 

That was our only experience of this vacation. But, during the past eleven years since that vacation, we have experienced many, many combinations of sexual experiences. First, with couples, but as we quickly learned, having four adults on the same page was rare. So, we continued our adventures with an extra male, which has always been our favourite setting. We have one night in Sint Marteen to thank for the next eleven years of the greatest sex we ever experienced, and we see no signs of the adventure becoming stale. We thank all of the people that have contributed to this experience and look forward to meeting additional people to add to the story.

Husband’s Cuckolding Surprise

So, I was thinking of how I could please my alpha partner with another woman. I know he really loves to also be the center of attention of two pussies. I invited my friend over about 15 minutes prior to when my partner was scheduled to arrive home from work. When my friend came over, I could tell she had already showered and, I didn’t waste any time getting started so that my partner would find us playing and become so turned on.

I started right when she walked in the door. I pushed her against the wall and started kissing her while my hands went to the base of her shirt and began moving it up her chest. Then I moved away from her mouth long enough to remove her shirt. I then threw it to the floor right next to the front door and moved my way down her neck to her hard nipples. I took one in my mouth and started running my tongue all around her nipple. She let a moan escape from her mouth. Just then, I heard the garage door open, and in walked my partner.

He’s Home!

Wow, he was early! But that is OK. He walked in and found me sucking on titties while her head was thrown back with her face up towards the ceiling. She was enjoying me taking her nipples in my mouth and running my fingers over them. She didn’t notice that he came in since she was wrapped up in what I was doing to her. I did not stop, either. 

My partner went to shower really quickly. While he did that, I continued to move my way down her body. I reached her pussy and allowed my tongue to move between her slit. She tasted so good. I moved her legs apart so I could get better access to her pussy. I went to town. I wanted to taste as much of her as I could while my partner showered. Once I heard the shower turn off, I rose and moved us to the bedroom.

I laid across the bed on my back with my legs spread wide open to give my friend open access to my sweet pussy. She bent over with her ass in the air and started sucking on my nipples, causing my back to arch and give her more access to my body. I heard the bathroom door open, and my partner comes out to see her ass in the air and her sucking on my nipples. His dick got hard instantly, and a big smile ran across his face. He looked at me, and I nodded to him that it’s OK for him to join in. He moved behind her waiting ass and ran his finger through her wet pussy slit. She moaned from the pleasure of his finger as he inserted it slowly and then started moving it in and out. At the same time, I moaned from her sounds. She then slowly worked her way down my stomach and started eating my pussy.

Tasting Each Other

Right then, my partner came around and put his cock in my mouth so he could watch my friend eat my pussy while he also got pleasure. He moved in and out of my mouth, taking it all the way to the base and causing me to gag on his cock. He moaned when that happened. “That’s right, eat her pussy. That looks so good,” he said as he encouraged her to lick it more and more until I orgasmed all over her tongue. Then he moved and had her lay on her back so he could taste her sweet pussy. He told me to sit on her face with me facing him because he wanted to see my face while he looked up from eating her pussy. So, I did as I was told. 

I started fucking her face while she moaned into my pussy from the pleasure she was receiving from my partner. His tongue was moving across her pussy while he slowly entered his finger into her tight pussy. I heard him moan from the pleasure of how tight her pussy was around his one finger. He knew that when he slipped his cock into that pussy, it was going to swallow him so tightly. As he had her orgasm all over his tongue, at the same time, I orgasmed on her tongue.

He moved us so that he was lying on the bed now. It was his turn for pleasure from two mouths. So, my friend and I started at his neck. We both knew he loved having his neck bitten, and we watched as it caused his cock to throb and move up and down. Then we worked our way down his neck to each take one of his nipples in our mouths and started moving our tongues all around them. Meanwhile, our hands were roaming all over his body, just not touching his cock. We were enjoying teasing him with anticipation of when we would please his cock with our mouths. He was moaning with pleasure. Then we both started moving our way down his stomach.

She allowed her tongue to tease the head of his cock, while I slowly moved to his balls. Just as I was about to lick them, she took his cock all the way down her throat. She moaned from the little cum that had come out of the head of his cock. I started sucking his balls, taking both in my mouth while running my hands over his thighs. I moved between his legs and noticed she moved her pussy onto his face so he could taste her some more. She then bent down to take his cock back into her mouth while we all tasted each other.

I moaned on his balls from the pleasure I knew he was receiving and giving. I get so turned on from his satisfaction. I then licked my way up one side of his cock while she licked up the other side. We kissed at the head of his cock so that our tongues could swirl around it, making him harder and harder while keeping kissing each other. Then we both moved down his cock to his base, making him moan all over her pussy. She was face-fucking him when I heard her cum all over his tongue. She moved off of his face and joined me on his cock. We were taking turns putting his hard cock into our mouths and stroking it when his leg started to twitch — we knew he was enjoying our mouths. My friend whispered into my ear, “can I fuck your husband?” I said, “oh yes.” I moved away to a nearby chair that I had brought in so I could watch them enjoy each other while also giving space to change positions multiple times. He looked at me and I said, “just enjoy yourself.” He smiled as he realized that she was going to ride his hard cock.

Hitting All the Right Spots

She moved over him and placed his cock right in her slit, and just moved her hips, which was turning him on more and more. He moaned from the pleasure she was creating and the anticipation of her pussy sliding over his cock. Just then, she moved his cock right to her opening and slowly moved down his shaft. I watched as the delight spread across his face from her tight pussy sliding slowly down him. He moaned loudly. She started moving up and down his cock, taking all of him with each stroke. He began rocking his hips, causing her to moan with each thrust. He knows how to fuck and hit all the right spots, which made her orgasm within seconds of him rocking his hips in unison with her. Wow, she soaked the bed! He then rolled her over onto her stomach and slid his cock right into her pussy. Then he looked at me and said, “come over here and sit on her face.” I did as I was told.

So Tight, So Wet

My pussy was dripping and when I sat on her face. She dove right in with her tongue and started licking up all my cum and then ran her tongue all over my clit. I leaned forward and started kissing my partner, which turned me on so much — me kissing him, him fucking her tight pussy, while she ate my pussy. I orgasmed right then all over her face. She was sure to suck up all my cum, not wasting a drop. I then moved off her and started sucking on her nipples. My partner fucked harder, “damn, this pussy is good,” he said. “So tight, so wet… milk my cum, baby.” She moaned from his dirty talk. I looked at her clit and it was quivering; I could tell she was about to cum all over his hard cock. Then, just as I thought she came so loud, I heard him say to her, “that’s it, cum on me, come on baby, cum for me.” Once her orgasm subsided, he turned her over into doggy style and slowly slid his cock back into her pussy. “Damn girl, you’re so tight,” he told her again.

Time to Watch the Show

I moved back to my chair to watch the show. I moved my fingers over my clit and started rubbing myself as I enjoyed watching how much pleasure he was giving and receiving from her. I was so wet and turned on. I love giving him someone to have more pleasure with. I watched as he fucked her doggy, sliding in and out of her tight pussy. He leaned forward so he could also rub on her titties. Then he moved to lay on his back. He must have needed a break, but my friend wasn’t giving him one.

She moaned around his cock as she took him back into her mouth. He started moving his hips so he could face-fuck her mouth. She took him from tip to base while sliding her hand up and down in rhythm with her mouth. She had her ass right over his hand, and that’s when I noticed that he moved his hand to her pussy and was sliding in and out one of his fingers, causing her to moan around his cock. He then slid in a second finger, and she started cumming all over his hands. He moved her back onto the bed and slid up into her pussy again. They both moaned at the same time. He leaned down and started kissing her while his hips slowly moved in and out. He could feel every inch of her tight pussy wrapping around his cock and milking it.

Waste Not a Drop

He then turned her on her side so that he could open up her pussy even further, allowing him to push every inch all up in her tightness. Once she was on her side, and he moved all the way in, she moaned so loudly that it almost made me cum right then. I had to stop rubbing my clit. I watched as he moved in and out of her at a pace that amplified the sensations of every inch moving inside of her with each stroke. He threw his head back from pleasure as he moaned. He knew he was close to cumming, so he laid back on the bed, and she and I both started sucking his cock at the same time. He came right in our mouths as he let out the sounds of deep release. We did not waste a drop because what we did not swallow, we licked up. We all fell on the bed in a puddle of pleasure.

Our First Swapping Encounter

It started on a Tuesday. Our sex life had been on point lately, and we kept taking it to the next level. Watching porn together. A blow job on a golf course. Live chats online. So that Tuesday, we were texting about what was next. What could we possibly do next to take our sex life to the next level? What could we do to bring our relationship to the next level? It was taboo. It was a secret. It was a crazy idea. But we did it. We joined a swinging site that Tuesday.

The Couple That Caught Our Eye

The messaging started immediately. It was hot. Pictures were coming in left and right. Sexy pics were everywhere. And man, were we turned on! The conversations between my husband and myself were incredible. Never in my wildest imagination did I think I would be looking at profiles with my spouse discussing who we would like to watch the other have sex with. 

Over the next few days, we continued to chat with many people. While there were many couples we were interested in, one specific couple caught our eye. They seemed pretty interested as well, and we started making plans to meet up. My husband and I ended up being in their town for work events, so we already had a hotel booked. How convenient, right? 

They told us they did not play on a first date. I think that is a great rule and we respect it. But we were ready to have our first experience. We have learned that communication is huge in this world, so we were upfront. We did not want to just meet up and have dinner. We wanted to have dinner, and I wanted to have his dick in me. I wanted my husband to be inside her. Well, they did, too.

The Dinner Date

I met my husband at the hotel that Wednesday. We both showered, shaved, and cleaned up. I wore a silky black tank top with no bra on. It was low cut, and my nipples were barely visible through the thin fabric. We drove to the restaurant to meet this couple in silence. I think we did some small talk, but not much. Was I nervous? I think maybe a little, but not as nervous as I thought I would be. 

We walked in and saw them immediately. We hugged and introduced ourselves awkwardly. He was wearing a button-up shirt, and she was in a sundress. Both of them were even better looking in person. I looked at him and thought, “This man is going to fuck me tonight. And my husband will be sucking those big tits later.” We ordered drinks and food, and we really started to jive. They talked to us about this lifestyle. It was a very upfront and raw conversation. We finished our meals, and it got to the end. The conversation started to go awkwardly quiet. He said, “Now, the awkward part of the night — do you guys want to do this? Do you want to go back to the hotel?” Without hesitation, my husband and I both said, “Yes.”

Now We Were REALLY Hungry

They followed us to our tiny hotel room. We discussed our boundaries and rules, and I told the man to take the lead. And did he ever take the lead! He grabbed my waist and pulled me toward him, his mouth hungrily on mine. He sat on the bed, and I stood in front of him. She walked over to my husband, who was sitting on the other side of the bed. She started kissing him softly. He took control of me and laid me forcefully down on the bed. He was on top of me, grinding and kissing me. He pulled my shirt up and rubbed and sucked my tits. I could feel his massive erection under his pants. I looked over and saw that she was in nothing but her underwear, and my husband was doing the same thing to her. Good. 

He slid my shirt over my head and my pants off, leaving my panties on. He moved them over and slid his fingers in me. I was wet, so his fingers slid in and out very easily. I was a bit lost in the moment, but I do believe my husband was now fingering her. He took the rest of his clothes off, and we were hot and heavy. 

I grabbed his cock and stroked it. He went down on me while she was sucking my husband’s dick. I got up so I could do the same to her husband. I sucked his dick hard. He grabbed me again. Forcefully, yet gentle. He kept asking if I was okay with a grin on his face. I told him that I was, and he started kissing me again. My panties fell off. I was now on top of him, sliding his dick right inside of me. He was not penetrating me yet; I was just slowly riding him. I put my hand behind my back and jacked him off as he was sliding in and out of the outside of my pussy. My husband was in the same position as him. He was on his back, and she was now on top of him. I reached over with my other hand and jacked him off as he was grinding on her. I rose up so I could take all of his cock in, and I slowly started fucking him. I used my hand to guide my husband’s cock inside of her.

So, at this point, we were all fucking. Kissing. Hungry. He grabbed my nipples. Sucked them. We were both riding our men. Okay, not our men, but each other’s men. She and I started rubbing each other’s tits, and then we were full-blown making out. This was a first for me. We were kissing hard. Passionately. My husband and I were feeling up the same chick. My husband was feeling up two women at a time. Hands were everywhere. She started to suck my tits. I was really hoping this was making my husband even harder. 

Now, there were hands and tongues everywhere as we were riding the men hard. She put her attention back on my husband, and I focused back on my guy. I was riding hard. So was she. My husband came all inside of her. I started to ride him in a way I know gets me off. I came. In one swift movement, he picked me up and flipped me over so he was now on top of me. He asked where he could cum and started fucking me hard. Hard. My fingers were digging into his back as he fucked me harder and harder. I looked over, and she was still slowly riding my husband. My husband was watching as he came inside of me. Undeniably. She looked over with a smile on her face and watched him slide out of me and back in one more time. I put my hand on my husband. I love the shit out of that man. 

We cleaned up, and they left. I couldn’t stop giggling. We both agreed — it was great! With us both being turned on, the night ended with another dick inside of me — my husband’s. How could fucking other people make us so much closer?! Love it. So, one week and one day after deciding to try this lifestyle, I think we have found a new hobby.